The Daily Gazette

2/14/2025 — Happy Valentine’s Day!

I wish I was dead.

1/30/2025 — Brave New World

I wish I had more fun stories to tell, but I’ve spent the New Year hibernating; focused on rest, self-care, and trying not to panic. Spent the first 2 weeks of Trump’s presidency up to my neck in existential dread, crises of faith, and deep melancholy.

I’m still mad as Hell, with much of my ire aimed at the Democrats for being thoroughly feckless and spineless—Jasmine Crockett and AOC excepted—the only two I’d seen speak out against the Administration’s asinine campaigns instead of trying to cooperate like the rest of their colleagues. Those two get street cred for speaking out against the goons BEFORE the general populace overwhelmed the phone lines in Washington this past Monday calling their representatives to PLEASE DO SOMETHING—ANYTHING!! TO STOP ELON MUSK FROM TAKING OVER THE TREASURY AND SELLING OUR SSNS ON THE DARK WEB FOR PROFIT PRETTY PLEASE

I’m furious that it took all of us getting furious to finally light a fire under the Democrats’ asses. All it takes for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing about it. Turning the other cheek and taking the high road when dealing with evil, selfish people isn’t noble or virtuous at all like we’ve all been taught. All that does is enable bullies to go on hurting people and destroying everything in their path. Being polite and cooperative with bullies doesn’t make you the better person, it makes you:

Lazy
Complicit
Cowardly
All of the above

*Anyway*

Its been very, very intense. The last few weeks have felt like years. And yet—there is a faint glimmer of something…Could it be… hope? There is a small but insistent voice at the back of my consciousness that’s been telling me all this insanity of the moment is a necessary evil and part of the greater plan. That the forces for good and progress are uniting against their shared enemy, and that in time, we will win.

And raze everything to the ground in the process.

I’m certainly here for it, and ready to watch it all burn. Shit, I’ll even bring the marshmallows.

Of course, I could also be wrong about all this, and we are all going to suffer immensely before dying a slow, painful death. Tee hee.

10/22/2024

I am an idiot. A sentimental idiot who has been making a fool out of herself.

And I will eventually bounce back from this because I always do—and keep carrying on like the boss-ass-bitch I am but right now the status tonight is such:

I’m a hot mess and I’m getting old and time is running out and I’m not skinny enough or hot enough or driven enough or cool enough or whatever-the-fuck-it-is that-people-want-cuz-damned-if-I-know and no one will ever love me and I’m so fucking sad about it.

And too fucking sober for this shit.

9/23/2024 – Wake Me Up When September Ends

I have my moments where I bop along to the music. My demented sense of humor is still intact. However, this year has taken a lot out of me. Even maintaining these meager updates has been hard. I don’t have the fortitude to give it justice right now with many words, but I lost my dad last month. Most of the best parts of me came from him, and if it weren’t for all the gifts he blessed me with—namely a love of music, musicals, movies, and said sense of humor—I’d have taken myself out a long time ago.

He was very sick for a long time, so it is almost a relief that the constant string of dialysis, hospital stays, surgeries, and physical deterioration has finally come to an end. The weight of waiting for the worst is finally over, and that weight has lifted. I oscillate between feeling emotionally exhausted and depressed, and entertaining flickers of the joyful, deranged imp I used to be years ago before everything turned to shit.

Yesterday would have been his birthday. I poured myself a whiskey drink and watched The Comancheros in his honor. I think he would have approved. Tonight I felt like getting wine drunk and am watching It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (at PlutoTV’s suggestion). To this, he also would have given two thumbs up. Thank you, PlutoTV, for showing an old girl a good time.

9/19/2024 – A Poem

I am in spiritual purgatory

I seem to have lost my muse

My soul is impotent; a limp, lifeless thing

But—

GUESS WHO IS GOING TO DISNEY WORLD IN A LITTLE OVER A WEEK!!!

7/24/2024 – Obligatory Update

It has been a busy year. A very busy year, so far. I have barely had time to breathe between each fire I’ve had to put out, let alone write about them. I haven’t been much in the mood to share, but it has just been very depressing. I desperately want some stability in life, and I’m pretty sure at this point that is never going to happen. Best I can do is try to get out and spend time with friends, which I have been lucky enough to do a little more of the last few weeks.

It feels this year like I have been a bit lost and stuck in purgatory. Some things have moved forward, but painfully slowly. Other things, I have been chasing in circles that are leading me nowhere.

I have a tendency to chase after things. I’m like a dog in that way. Most people, myself included, would generally consider this an admirable quality. I have the courage and the spirit and the assertiveness to pursue things. But I’ve been worried for a few weeks that I have been barking up the wrong tree. I’ve been so busy chasing…when I stopped to look around a few weeks ago, I realized: there is nothing chasing me. Crickets. Apart from the next crisis, perhaps my impending doom.

I’m starting to wonder if I should just stop chasing things, and wait for the right things to come to me. Only I absolutely hate the thought of that. It feels so lazy. But things have been bad for so long, I start to wonder if maybe I’m just doomed. Or cursed. If the universe suddenly decided to drop something positive in my lap without my having to do anything special—that’s how I’d know it’s finally ok to hope again.

It’s the hope that kills you.

4/5/2024

It’s a new year, and I’m still on my old bag of tricks. Still singing and dancing to a limited audience: one very handsome-but-demanding pug, who neither appreciates my dulcet tones, nor my ass-shaking nearly as much as he should.

I turned 40 about a month ago. Promptly sprained my ankle by STANDING FOR 2 HOURS IN A PAIR OF HEELS.

BLOCK HEELS at that.

If this portends things to come, I’m going to need to drink a lot more. A LOT more.

11/28/2023 — Allons-y!

WE HAVE REAL DOCTOR WHO AGAIN!!!!!

That is all.

11/13/2023 — The Rest of my Days

I am on this kick where I am revisiting stories I didn’t care for the first time I encountered them (particularly if I was very young at first encounter) to see if age and further life experience changes my perspective on it. I recommend the exercise. I have been reaping the rewards for months now as I rewatch and rediscover many movies I haven’t seen in years. *Eventually this will extend to books, but I have a lousy track record with reading actual BOOKS in adulthood. Such a time commitment.

So far, items included on the list of stories young Mandy was not-impressed-with-but-now-concede-do-not-suck include: Dick Tracy, Wuthering Heights (1939), and Disney’s Hercules.

Dick Tracy was by far and away my favorite of these…I think the main reason I disliked it as a kid was because I was weirded out by the heavy prosthetics on all the villains, with their deformed figures and unnaturally-shaped facial features. It’s worth noting that the Skeksis of The Dark Crystal creeped me out too as a kid, for similar reasons. They were just f@#$%g creepy-looking.

At any rate, I’m pleased to report I’m less easily unsettled now, and I really enjoyed the campy noir feel of the whole thing. Also, Madonna’s 2 numbers are fantastic. Both “More” and “Sooner or Later” have made their way onto my playlists now, and I’ve enjoyed crooning along on the regular.

In fairness, it was not the 1939 film Wuthering Heights that I despised, but rather the book. I don’t remember exactly how old I was when I read that one, but I was young enough. Perhaps I just hadn’t experienced enough of love and relationships to appreciate it then, I wondered?

Nope. Adult Amanda tried once or twice to pick up the book and reread the crucial passages but it was no use—it was bad writing, alright. Cathy is haughty and obnoxious, and Heathcliff is a bit of a tool—how was I supposed to root for these two and their sordid romance? Besides, Emily Brontë spent far too much time describing the scenery of the moors for my taste. Her sister (Charlotte Brontë) is the superior author, in my opinion. Now THAT dame can write a sordid love affair worth reading about (I’m looking at you, Mr. Rochester). But I digress. The 1939 film was available on Amazon, so I gave it a shot. For perhaps the first time in recorded history, the film was better than the book. Not amazing, but decent.

Disney’s Hercules was historically one of my least favorite of the classical animated films. I generally love all things Disney, but this one never got me. When it came out, I found both Hades and Megara to be very irritating and thought the humor wasn’t terribly humorous. Hades was just a little too mumbly and squirmy to believably be ruler of the underworld, and Megara’s ham-fisted tough-girl act had me rolling my eyes. Also, I get that they wanted her to be “hot,” but her perpetually slouched posture and hip sashaying makes me wonder if she actually has a severe case of scoliosis. Upon rewatch very recently, I found I liked it better than I did before. Hades is still irritating after a while, but I can appreciate Megara a teensy bit more given her backstory. Woman scorned and burned by betrayal? Now HERE is an example of additional life experience helping me appreciate art… Also, she and the muses have an excellent musical number together. It has also made it to the playlists and been played on loop more than I’d care to admit.

11/10/2023 — Rough Day

The good days outnumber the bad. I have finally found some peace. I am moving on and moving forward. Last Friday, however, was NOT a good day.

You know that awful feeling when you try to enforce a boundary (with someone who has no respect for boundaries) and you wind up feeling like the bad guy? Friday I needed to have a hard conversation with someone that wasn’t respecting my wishes, and the pained look on their face when I stuck to my guns and explained (not for the first time) how much harm they have caused me and continue to cause when they don’t respect my wishes…

Intellectually, I know I’m 100% in the right, and the boundaries help me keep my peace.

But I still felt like a monster.

Being so brutally honest and enforcing boundaries was so traumatic for me, I wound up making myself a White Russian and put on You’ve Got Mail and nearly drank my dinner. A little after 9pm, I told myself I couldn’t actually have vodka for dinner like I wanted to, and had a heaping plate of spaghetti. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to unlearn all the people-pleasing that was ingrained in me during childhood, and I’m still not fully healed from all THAT trauma. But that is a subject for a different story.

Such heartache. Such melodrama.

10/13/2023 – Friday the 13th: The Horrors Persist, But So Do I

We have turned a corner. This year, I welcome the gloomy, overcast skies and chill in the air with an enthusiasm I haven’t felt before. Rainy days, in particular, are an absolute joy. I was always a Summer girl, but I’m ready to turn over a new leaf. A withered, dying, crispy leaf.

Forget “Hot Girl Summer”…I’m in my Witching Era. I have nothing to fear from the dark, or the night.

It is the night that should fear ME.

Bwahahahahahaaaa…kidding. Sort of.

8/19/2023 – My Current Status

It’s complicated.

I think I’ve been putting off posting an update because I have no pithy witticisms to offer. I usually prefer to keep it light, but I’ve been carrying the weight of a lot of things the last month or two. None of it is light. It’s all very personal and I don’t love being vulnerable, so I’ve been keeping it all to myself. But it’s time for an update and to lighten the load.

I’ve had a lot of time to myself—more than I’ve ever had before in my life—and I’m learning how to navigate that. Increased solitude and time to think have led me to have several major revelations. Some were realizations about myself, a lot of which I don’t like and aren’t serving me. I’ve mentioned my recent realization of how impatient I really am. SO impatient. I want things to be better yesterday, and there are several things I desperately want that I may never have, all of which are eating away at me.

I want them NOW, dammit. Not later. Not never—NOW. Smh…

That being said, I finally stopped being so angry at God and the Universe for picking on me all the time (the ridiculous way I’d come to see it the last 8 years or so), and realized the real problem was that I had a really shitty attitude. So pessimistic. No matter what is going on around me, I can always see the negatives and I can always find something to complain about. It wasn’t always that way, but a very bad victim mindset I’d gotten into. I have a funny feeling life isn’t going to get any easier anytime soon, and it’s time I stopped whining.

I have developed a whole slew of insecurities as a direct result of the drama and mindfuckery of a few months ago. Some serious dysmorphia and self-doubt. It sucks. But whenever I start to feel down on myself, doubt my worth, or second-guess what I bring to the table, I remind myself that I am a Fucking Unicorn. A Unicorn with a bit of a bad attitude, perhaps—but a Unicorn nonetheless.

My tolerance for both bullshit and bad behavior has plummeted. To the floor. I am in no mood for games these days. I’m convinced this is an improvement.

So, people better act accordingly.

And finally, I’ve decided to have faith in the Universe and the Long Game again. Whatever that may be.

6/12/2023 – The Amanda Way

Friends, check in with the Ted Lasso fans in your life because we are NOT ok right now. Ted messed me up in the head real bad. Gaslighting. Betrayal. Haha—I’m kidding. Sort of.

I will survive, but I’ve been burned. I wasn’t right for a whole week after that finale.

I continue to self-soothe through bad television, bad music, and retail therapy; namely home decorating. I’ve bought lots of new plants, and I’m even keeping them alive! For the longest time I stuck to strictly cacti and succulents because they are almost impossible to kill. Prior to me making that conscious choice I killed many, many, MANY beautiful plants. With the passing of time, I grew to feel a kindred spirit with the cacti and succulents, because they are by nature so warped and twisted and bizarre, like something out of Dr. Seuss. We were all of us, strange birds. But then my more shallow, superficial tastes kicked in and I was tempted by several more…traditionally beautiful ferns, and I eventually caved. So now I am an avid collector of a variety of plant companions.

A moment of reckoning came a few weeks back when I ran into my mother at (what has been historically hers, and now my) favorite local plant shop on a random Sunday afternoon. Just before getting out of the car, I was singing along to some 5th Dimension…As I was heading home, it hit me: the transformation is complete.

I have turned into my mother.

In terms of further personal revelations, I’m learning that I am a very impatient person. I always thought of myself as a patient person when I was younger…But with age comes wisdom, and I have come to realize that this isn’t accurate at all. I’m incredibly impatient.

On the plus side, I’ve gotten very good at disposing of spiders. I spent my whole life being terrified of spiders, and I’ve evicted 5 in the last 2 weeks. Like a boss-ass Bitch.

I still hate doing dishes.

Hate.

Loathe.

Despise.

5/7/2023 – Happy Siete de Mayo

Its been a very busy week of Happy Hours, birthdays, and BBQs. For the first time in a long time, I’ve been out and about more than I’ve been home, and this is a very good thing.

I’ve also finally started properly exercising again this week. Since I am notoriously NOT a morning person and time has no real meaning anymore anyway, I’m doing my little strength training routine late in the evenings…Approximately 10:30pm. Believe it or not, this works for me. It’s a damn good thing too–because so far this week, I’ve had pulled pork mac and cheese, pretzels, and poutine for dinner.

Tangentially, Bridget Jones’ Diary was on tv last night, so I decided to watch. I’ve seen it before, but it hit differently this time…Awkward, slightly overweight (festively plump?) woman in her 30s with questionable fashion tastes, journaling about her life, cursing too much…It was when she put on Chaka Khan and threw back a few shots of vodka that it hit me:

I AM Bridget Jones. I am she and she is me.

Shit.

Of course, if adorably awkward Colin Firth shows up on my doorstep with all his charms and dry wit, I’m here for it. Extra points if he digs disco.

4/16/2023

I printed off the Ted Lasso quote and hung it on the wall like I said I would.

I don’t know why I’ve always been such a sucker for this shit, all the Happily Ever After nonsense, etc. I blame all the Disney I watched growing up. At any rate, the sign is already starting to bug me.

Fairy tales are for children.

3/27/2023

Tonight’s fortune cookie reads: “How can you have a beautiful ending without making beautiful mistakes”

Given that half my adult life has been a big mistake-there had better be one %#@^*&! stunningly magnificent Happily Ever After in my future, or else.

3/1/2023

I have a birthday coming up imminently. I’m really not feeling it this year. It was an overly eventful trip around the sun, and is the beginning of the end of the last year of my thirties. I could (and should) be optimistic and proclaim I will peak in my forties; that we will finally usher in that “Roaring Twenties” era post-pandemic I’ve been hoping for and talking about.

But instead I feel very, very tired. I’m hoping for a kinder year; for the Universe to grant us some grace. I think I speak for us all when I say we have been through a lot.

AT LEAST let’s see about us getting some decent Doctor Who again.

2/20/2023 – What a Way to Run a Railroad

I’ve been very busy of late taking care of business, cleaning house, rearranging, and more retail therapy. I’ve also been trying to build new routines (including–but not limited to–gua sha). Laugh it up, fuzzball–I’ve got a lot of lymph, and it’s time to de-puff.

Finally managed to get rid of the spare furniture leaning up against the walls, so I’ve got that going for me. Acquired a new pair of pink pleather leggings (a true wardrobe staple). I finished yet another Clarathon (see Run, You Clever Girl). Learned how to cook lamb and seafood paella…although I discovered last week that I really do not enjoy goat. So, for anyone who is keeping track of strange, exotic foods Mandy is willing to eat vs. not: alligator and escargot make the cut, tripe and goat do not.

A combination of friends, girl’s night outs, booze, the puppy, and disco’s greatest hits are getting me through the days while I endlessly plug away at the never-ending list of things to do, which today included plunging the kitchen sink in an attempt to clear the drains so the dishwasher will run properly again.

I still hate doing dishes.

There’s a lot of potential on the horizon, but still a lot of mindfuckery to get past. Betrayal. Narcissists. I think narcissists should be branded like cattle. It would save us all a lot of trouble.

1/30/2023 – Ay Caramba

I’ve been a little overwhelmed lately, to say the least. Two weeks ago, I went to Old Brick Furniture on a whim and spent $2000 on a new couch and fancy-shmancy upholstered bed frame. My “Bridgerton Bed,” I’m calling it. Because a healthy dose of retail therapy and foolhardy optimism is essential to emotional wellbeing. Unfortunately, the old furniture has not been removed yet, so I have a queen-sized, 13-year-old, dilapidated metal bedframe leaning up against the wall, and a full-sized extra sofa squeezed into a corner, but ah well. Today I brought a beer into the shower with me. As I write this, it is midnight on a worknight and I am watching 90210 reruns on Pluto TV.

I am deeply unwell.

Or…am I becoming the best version of myself?

1/5/2023

Things I’ve learned about myself in the last 2 weeks:

I am much stronger, and have more courage under fire, than I ever gave myself credit for.
I discovered just today that in certain arenas, I am still a colossal chickenshit.
I HATE doing dishes. Like–I really, really, REALLY hate.doing.dishes.

1/3/2023 – Happy New Year?

This year’s resolutions include 1) Staying alive and 2) Not killing anyone else. That second piece is going to be particularly difficult. Will update later.

Also, not a resolution, but a goal: your host needs to get on the treadmill, ASAP. Time to get my ass in gear and start exercising regularly. For realsies this time.